Pep talk : The introspection mini series

The light goes off,

Loneliness creeps in.

The smile fades away,

Impassiveness takes over.

The show fades away,

Reality creeps in.

The next day, the alarm tries its level best to wake you up for yet another so called beautiful day, but I knew better, its another day am going to pull through because I have got no other choice in reality. I sighed the first thing in morning, dropping my dead legs on floor. The moment where I wished to shut myself out from the entire world. But deep inside, I wanted someone to understand me, literally crave for someone.

I was tired. Tired not for the day, but tired of not being good enough, tired of being worthless, of being insane, so warn out with leading picture perfect life. The emptiness becoming stronger and overwhelming with the absence deafening. I confided with the same darkness as a backdrop as I closed and opened the eyes. Its like I'm playing a game with myself, asking my own self how much I can take. I'm testing the waters, not intentionally either. But I cant make myself stop.

I felt like a man sliding down on a steep cliff, clutching at shrubs and tangles of brambles and coming up empty-handed. Now there are only silence and flashing of unset clock. Wagging a war with inner self entirely incapable of stepping outward. On the world, its lock its jaw on itself; paradoxically it leads the self to hollow and empty out. It wears itself out in a rat-race it runs against itself.

In a voyage to rekindle the spark I had lost in life, I realized that it wasn't just the strain of my frenetic pace that was distracting me. I sensed it went far deeper. It seemed to be a spiritual thing. Almost everyday I felt no passion for what I was doing and was enveloped by emptiness.

When I finally found the strength to stand, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and everything seemed to stop. My eyes were a bloodshed, hair a mess. I could taste the salt of tears that rolled down my cheeks. I was becoming an observer of my own body at that moment and I could control nothing more than my own thought.

The man I saw in mirror smiled back at me. But it wasn't me. I had no control. His smile faded away as quickly as it came, but it spoke to me. He spoke to the mirror, they were not my words, but his. I realized that I needed to hear them. This isn't living. I wanted a new beginning. I no longer need to be a prisoner of myself. But then, where am I drawing all this? Yeah, I'm drawing it up from the bottom of my heart, because this is how I always wanted to be.

There is a breaking point for everybody, and I'm starting to feel as if am at that point. I found myself like a lost lore tucked away on a forgotten shelf waiting to be read.

I knew the tides of my mind were changing, when I heard birdsong high in the lodgepole

and it made me smile.

At the far extremity of pain, I had discovered a door into different level of consciousness and there was no room for anything but implacable nature and my own invincible self. I finally broke a part that needed to be broken. The toxic waste that have peeped into the fertile garden of my mind : the worries and anxieties, the fretting about past, the brooding over the future and those self-created fears that wreak havoc within my inner world. Nothing of me felt permanently incapacities

except my noble expressionism.

When I had nothing to lose, I had everything to win. When I stopped being whom I was, I found himself.

Words By : Sanooja Jaleel